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THE ROLE OF THE LARGE FAMILY
I have felt for over twenty years that the large family has played a very special part in catholic
culture. It was not until 1987 that I heard about the experiences of certain people that motivated me to give the
subject my concentrated attention. I was told about the experiences of an expectant mother who had a number of
children.
Whilst in hospital I heard she was under considerable pressure to be sterilized, I found this
hard to believe.I had always assumed that this kind of pressure was only exerted on to those mothers who could
not cope with existing children, not on ordinary healthy, coping women. I started to talk to different mothers
and found that even mothers having their third baby in hospital had experienced similar pressures. It was through
this contact with all sorts of mothers (and fathers too!) that I began to become aware of the very positive influence
that large families have had on catholic culture.
It must be clearly stated that every family is special to God, regardless of its size. The Church
should encourage the healthy development of families of all sizes. However, in recent years, there has been little
heard of the role of the large Catholic family. Large families used to be a special part of the Catholic culture;
in fact they were the pride and joy of the Church. There are many reasons in comtemporary society why couples restrict
the size of their families: economics, the ability of parents to cope with life, the lower priority given to the
role of motherhood and also that many people are no longer seeking to be obedient to the will of God in their own
lives. The role of motherhood is also under attack by the secular world and should be protected. One priest has
said to me that a mother has an awesome role in co-operating with God in the task of creating new souls to populate
heaven. Although it is less so today, there have always been catholic mothers who have courageously endeavoured
to serve the will of God and the Church by not limiting the size of her family. In no way is one saying that this
is the "Vocation" for every woman. I do feel however that the ideal of the large catholic family has every right to be proclaimed to the Catholic Church and by the Catholic
Church. At
the present time the media is full of detailed reports of different families with various types of problems. It
is only right now to hear about the lives of healthy large Catholic families which can serve as good role models
and be an inspiration to the rest of us.
BURDEN OR BLESSING?
The Church is now taking steps to "prepare" couples for marriage so in many situations
some kind of formation is going on. In the past, the procreative
aspect was emphasied and perhaps some
couples had large families out of a feeling of fear or guilt. In the comtemporary church other aspects have been
emphasised; for example, "Responsible Parenthood", "Mutual Fulfilment in Marriage" and even
the more peripheral "A Woman's Right to Work" The latter role has been taken on board so completely that
mothers who wish to stay at home seem to be in the minority! Unfortunately however, the procreative aspect of marriage
has become de-emphasised and in many cases is not even mentioned. The possibility that a couple might want to have
many children is not clearly mentioned in marriage preparation courses. The Church's teaching on contraception
has in no way changed. It is
a natural consequence of this that Catholic couples following the teaching of the Church in married life will have
large families or at least larger families than they would have had if they had conformed to the secular mentality.
Sadly instead of the Church fully and completely welcoming such
couples into the life of the Church there is a tendency for them in some places to be hardly tolerated. Obviously reactions to large families will vary with the parish and the parish priest. I know of a situation
where a mother expecting her sixth child met with a certain amount of criticism and even abuse from so called friends
and aquaintances, who felt the family was putting an unnecessary burden on the community by producing this extra
child. I feel that this might well increase the resentment towards large families. I therefore feel that attention
needs to be given now towards developing appropriate counselling expertise which will be able to support all members
of a large family. It has been confirmed many times that mothers going into hospital for the birth of their babies
face pressure if they have more than two or three children. Such mothers very much need supportive counselling.
I know of a situation where the children from a large family have faced resentment from their neighbour's children.
This is an area where counselling could be helpful and supportive for the children. One group which rarely gets
any thought or attention are the older children in large families. In the ideal situation, such children have the
continual joy of seeing their mother being pregnant and are only too happy to share their parents with an ever
increasing number of children. As they get older they take on an increasing role in helping their parents look
after the children. It is common sense to know that in a number of large families the ideal is not reached. The
older children may feel neglected and jealous of their younger brothers and sisters. Such feelings of rejection
if not properly dealt with can lead to deeper problems later on. Once again there is a clear indication for suitable
counselling. It can therefore be seen that there will be a need for a lot of active support in addition to encouragement,
if large families are to flourish once again in our culture.
A GOOD AND HOLY VOCATION.
When considering the size of a future family from a purely human viewpoint, there is a certain
element of convenience -the extent to which the couple "like" children and want to make their family
"complete". Within a theological context, the whole issue becomes so much deepened. The argument has
been given in the past- "what a crushing responsibility for parents that they and only they make the decision
which decides the existance or non-existance of human beings. Do not such couples have the obligation to have as
many children as they can afford?" The contraceptive mentality has now deeply permeated society and any couple
trying to live by or justify the above argument would be ridiculed.
However there are strong arguments that the declining birthrate in both this country and Europe is generating disastrous
consequences. The contraceptive mentality is nearly as strong within the Catholic community as outside it- it is
only in the method that the difference lies. During marriage preparation course there will certainly be some mention
of the official teaching of the church but I have serious doubts whether the deeper aspects and responsibilities
are mentioned. There is the problem of how
to effectively introduce these into marriage formation. It is something that cannot be merely added to the syllabus
of the teaching program for engaged couples. The reason for this is that an appreciation of these aspects of married
life is experiential as well as moral and conceptual. A young
Catholic couple, engaged or married, would be unlikely to develop a vocation to have a large family merely by receiving
a concise teaching about it. If one considers the way in which young people learn about the religious life, one
can gain considerable insight. Firstly, there may be some kind of introductory
talk. The vocation would mainly be fostered by inviting the interested person to spend adequate time in the religious
community to become permeated by the "atmosphere"of the religious life. In a similar way,somehow, young
couples need to have contact with parents of large families so that this particular vocation an be given a reasonable
chance to develop. This naturally leads to the importance of EXAMPLE. Catholic parents who have beautifully and
willingly given of themselves in having many children have I feel a vital role in communicating this aspect to
a young engaged or married couple. In times past, Catholic community life was much healthier and young couples
would usually automatically come under the right influences. Now it may be necessary to create opportunities where
these are not present and also to encourage and develop what is only marginally present. In other words I am
suggesting that the "large family option" should be regarded as a vocation similar to that of the religious life and attention needs to be given as to how it might be developed
and strengthened in the particular times in which we live. Strong positive influences are needed to counteract
the peer pressure which is often negative. Sadly although the ideal place for developing the above mentioned aspects
is the parish, in most cases this does not happen. In recent years there has been a considerable
development of lay communities. It has been said to me that such communities are the best environment in which
large families can develop bearing in mind the present state of society.
THE NEED FOR SUPPORT.
I mentioned earlier that families of all sizes are precious in the sight of God. It would be
a great omission however if I failed to emphasise what is probably the highest and most virtuous path of all within
the ordinary married state. There have always been certain catholic couples who have made a decision to leave it
to God to decide how many children they should have. They have done this either for a certain period or for the
whole of their married life. Such couples give to the rest of us a
prophetic ideal which is desperately needed in the present world. I feel that parents of large families need to
know how wonderful it is in the sight of God for them to have been so generous. Many would say that this is obvious;
why bother to even mention it. Contact with parents of large families has helped to support my position. One mother
of a very large family told me that only her husband had ever told her what a wonderful thing she had done. I knew
parents of a large family in the early nineteen
seventies who had eight children and were fully supportive of the ideal of a large family. I was quite shocked
to speak to the mother fairly recently and found that her whole position had changed. Some of her children had
experienced marriage and financial difficulties Faced with the reality of life in this
increasingly materialistic world, the mother no longer seemed to advocate the large family as an ideal. In a way
I feel that in a large family, the law of multiplication operates.
When there is love, a sound faith, peace and security, then the amount of good can be very great and people even
outside the family can benefit. When however these things are lacking then the large family can be a source of
much greater negativity than a small family. I know a mother of a very large family who is heartbtroken that all
of her children lost the faith I feel that she feels a personal failure for this. Such a mother needs real support
and affirmation that she has been generous and open to God's precious gift of life. She further needs to know that
it is the materialism and godlessness of the world which may have robbed her children of their faith; not necessarily
a failure of the childrens' upbringing.
INVALUABLE INFLUENCE.
Since first considering this subject, I have begun to wonder whether the opposite position may
sometimes apply. There may be many situations where in fact parents of large families have a lot to contribute
to small families. Things have become so complicated in our western society that we are perhaps moving fast towards
a time when many large families need to awaken to the apostolate that God has given them, so that they can actively
seek to spread many of their values and ideals to other families where these may be lacking. People often correctly
say that the best means of influence is by example - what people
do rather than what they say. However even a few minutes consideration of
the powerful effect of the media and negative peer pressure would begin to make people aware that if our Catholic
culture and moral value system are to survive, then we have all got to do more than what we are doing. Each of
us needs to often pray to God that we will know and follow the particular apostolate that He has decided for us.
In this article I have tried to recapture the special beauty of the large family, which used
to be a central part of Catholic life and now seems to be almost completely lost from it; to encourage those Catholic
large families which still exist and which can provide a more wholesome influence on married couples
than the peer pressure of today.
Feast of the Annunciation 1993. Mark Alder.
(originally written in 1987)
(The author gratefully acknowledges assistance received, in preparation of this leaflet, from Tricia Alder, Christine
Hudson, Pauline McAllister, Victoria Gillick.)
Recommended reading.
1.The Life of Margaret, Queen of Scotland by Turgot. Available from Mr. David Moyes, 12 Cairn
Grove, Crossford, Fife, Scotland KY12 8YD. (L1.25 inc. p.p)
2.Leaflet on St Margaret Queen of Scotland : Patroness of Mothers.from Hellyer Press, 8 Quarry Terrace, Horsforth,
Leeds England LS18 4AT
3.National Association of Catholic Families (NACF) http://www.catholic-family.org/
President: Dr Tom Ward, The Chestnuts, Coddenham Road, Needham Market, Suffolk IP6 8NU. UK President.CatholicFamily@btinternet.com
Secretary: Mrs Anne Abbott, 7 Elsmere Road, Ipswich, Suffolk IP1 3SZ.UK
anne@abbott.demon.co.uk
This article is available as a leaflet from M.A. Associates, The Granaries,
Crews Hill, Enfield, Middlesex, United Kingdom. EN2 9BB. Please enclose a stamped addressed envelope for sample
leaflet, list of other titles and cost.
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